Life of an EX(smoker)

I am, first, EX
and then hyphen-smoker.
(I quote conquered
endquote. ellipsis)

You are with someone
I hyphen-no-one.
someone dead.
no-one dead.

I needed your hand this year
Believing more than “I am mere”
More than “I am satisfactory”

More than “I am shit”
Which I am
Which I am not

I am, however, no more than loss
No more than spite formed as a
discarded damnable heap of ruin.

Fuck “mediocrity”
Which I am
Which I am not

I create me
Yet in my own image
Image of “only this”
Image of “merely that”
I ruined (at least) everything

I was pride this year and
Lost merely myself
Rediscovered by mere
Mediocrity, being nothing.

I needed your hand this year.
Reaching from six feet;
Reaching from love.

Where I was.
Where I am now.
Where I will be

You are everything, and nothing. And
I am a shell representing a figure of a man.
I am left to lose pride and sorrow.
Fodder for mere shitty poetry.